coronavirus and your marriage – Chuck Starnes, Relationship Coach

Join the Monthly Surprise Challenge

Sun, 03 May 2020 13:50:58 GMT

Novem ber last year, at an informal dinner in Boston. Over a glass of wine, our friends Martin and Blandine shared their new habit. And the idea struck like a lightening!

“Once a month, one of us surprises the other. With an event that we’re pretty sure will delight our partner”.

A weekend without the kids, a beauty treatment, a dinner at that place he always fancied, that hot air balloon flight she always dreamt of, cooking her favourite dinner, a surprise party with his best friends, a cocktail mixing class, a dance workshop, a love poem or letter…. The possibilities are endless!

“The idea is to create magic moments for our couple, once a month. It spices up our relationship, it keeps romance going, it creates connection. At the start of every month, we know something special will happen!”.

Who’s turn is it? Doesn’t matter. Some couples take turns, some go with whoever gets to it first… The essence is: keep it fun and light. Sometimes these moments will be bucket list events. Sometimes they will be rather “mundane” and less than stellar. More important is: form a new habit, and stick to it.

“And best of all, come December, we’ll be looking at 12 magic memories throughout the year. With pictures and all. It does wonders to our couple!”

Hasn’t it happened to all of us? Come year end, and we wonder how on earth the year has flown by. Oh sure, we’ve paid the bills and taken the garbage out. Regularly. But … wasn’t life supposed to be more than that?

Monthly Surprise Challenge… does it require thought and preparation? Sure it does! But isn’t that part of the game? Becoming more intentional about our couple, about the person we love, and make a game out of it… It’s easier than we think. Really.

Join the Monthly Surprise Challenge (MSC). Once a month, it’s doable. And it’s fun! A number of couples throughout Europe and in the US have joined already. Let us know in which part of the world you live, and send us your MSC ideas and pictures, if you feel like it. We’ll be delighted to share them on this website!

Look who already has joined the challenge

Noviembre del año pasado, en una cena informal en Boston. Con una copa de vino, nuestros amigos compartieron su nuevo hábito. ¡Y de pronto, se nos encendió la lucecita!

“Una vez al mes, uno de nosotros sorprende al otro. Con algo que estamos bastante seguros será del agrado de nuestro/a compañero/a ".

Un fin de semana sin los niños, un tratamiento de belleza, una cena en ese lugar que siempre le gustó, el vuelo en globo aerostático con el que siempre soñó, cocinar su cena favorita, una fiesta sorpresa con sus mejores amigos, una clase de cóctel, un taller de baile, un poema o una carta de amor ... ¡Las posibilidades son infinitas!

“La idea es crear momentos mágicos para nuestra pareja, una vez al mes. Le da sabor a nuestra relación, mantiene el romance, crea conexión. ¡Al comienzo de cada mes, sabemos que sucederá algo especial! ”.

¿A quien le toca? No importa. Algunas parejas se turnan, en otras, será quien llegue primero ... La esencia es: que sea divertido y sencillo. A veces, estos momentos son los que están anotados en lista de “cosas por hacer”. A veces serán más bien "rutinarios" y para nada estelares. Lo más importante es: formar un nuevo hábito y mantenerlo.

"Y lo mejor de todo es que, en diciembre, podremos tener 12 recuerdos mágicos de un año entero. Con fotos y todo. ¡Qué bien le hace a nuestra pareja!

¿No nos ha pasado a todos? Cuando llega fin de año, nos preguntamos cómo diablos ha pasado tan rápido. Ah, claro, pagamos las facturas y sacamos la basura. Con regularidad. Pero ... ¿no se suponía que la vida era más que eso?

Desafío sorpresa mensual... ¿requiere reflexión y preparación? ¡Claro que si! ¿Pero no es eso parte del juego? Volverse más intencional sobre nuestra pareja, sobre la persona que amamos y jugar con eso ... Es más fácil de lo que pensamos. De verdad.

Únanse al desafío sorpresa mensual (MSC). Una vez al mes, es posible. ¡Y es divertido! Ya se han unido varias parejas de toda Europa y Estados Unidos. Hágannos saber en qué parte del mundo viven y envíennos sus ideas e imágenes de MSC, si lo desean. ¡Estaremos encantados de compartirlos en este sitio web!

Miren quiénes ya se han unido al desafío

A hidden gem?

Sat, 28 Mar 2020 20:17:33 GMT

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Coronavirus – a term we were hardly aware of a few months ago. It now dominates the media flow and our conversations. It is impacting our lives, we’re working from home, we’re not or hardly going out anymore. And our thoughts go to the many people impacted by this terrible epidemic.

A time of uncertainties, anxieties. An unusual time also for relationships. For many of us, all of a sudden, this means spending significantly more time, and within a confined space, with loved ones we hardly used to see during the week. And voilà, things come to surface. No place to avoid, no space to evade.

For some of us, this means noticing how we have become good at texting but lost the art of talking. We have become good at litigating but lost the art of listening. We have become good at spending money, but lost the art of spending time together. We realize, often painfully, how our most important relationships have become shallow, routine, mediocre.

And so, the news tell us that split ups and divorces are on the rise…

But what if instead? Now that we have time… What if this were an opportunity to take stock of our most important relationship? What if this were an opportunity to reconnect, at a deeper level, with the person we love most?

The time will come when life gets back to “normal”. Where do we want our most important relationship to be at that time? Will we have thrown in the towel? Or will we have managed to survive coronavirus? Or – maybe – will we have taken advantage of this time together, a hidden gem really, and come out stronger than ever from these weeks and months?

The choice is ours. And the choice is now. Let’s seize the opportunity!

Coronavirus forcing you to work from home? Use the crisis to strengthen your marriage

Wed, 18 Mar 2020 01:19:00 GMT

“I’m going crazy working from home!” Tom said, sharing his frustration with the shelter in place mandate.

His wife Janet retorted, “Well you’re making me crazy!”

I interjected, “Hey, why don’t you use this time to spend more time together.”

Janet rolled her eyes in sarcasm, as if to say, “Right! Like that’s going to happen!”

This confinement can be a blessing or a curse.

It’s a blessing if you feel close and connected.

It’s a curse if work is an “exit” from your relationship.

And now the coronavirus was forcing him to be with Janet in a way that revealed the painful truth that their marriage was not what they wanted it to be.

Tom habitually stayed late at work. He honestly thought it was because of his workload. But as he and Janet talked, he became aware that his workload was not really the issue.

When he got in touch with this, he became conscious of how feelings of depression would come over him as soon as he walked through the front door of their home. Because of the negative way he and his wife communicated, he simply would rather not be there. That’s why work became an exit.

Two problems occur when we take exits from our relationship.

By taking this exit Tom was avoiding the issues standing between him and a happy relationship.

Tom and Janet had what I call “A Parallel Marriage”. A marriage that runs on separate tracks. A marriage where you are together, but not really, not close. More like roommates than lovers.

If you’re like Tom and Janet and this crisis is bringing up issues you need to deal with, don’t just drive each other crazy in your close confinement. Turn this crisis into an opportunity.

Here are 6 ways to strengthen your marriage while stuck at home together during the coronavirus crisis.

1. Hug each other

Science reveals that we are wired for connection with another human being. Therefore, touching your partner is not only nice, it’s necessary.

So while you are in self-quarantine and socially distant from others, I recommend you give each other a one-minute full body hug during these times: When you first get up in the morning, after each meal, and before you go to bed at night. Include your kids in this ritual if possible.

Human touch triggers the release of oxytocin into our bloodstream. This increases feelings of trust, generosity, and compassion.

And it also decreases feelings of fear and anxiety that block our communication.

2. Share appreciations with each other

Say to your partner at least three times every day, “One thing I appreciate about you is…” and share something about how your partner looks , s omething they did , or some trait you appreciate .

And old negative brain pathways start to dissolve.

This practice will transform the emotional climate of your relationship and your home.

3. Plan time to listen to each other

Being stuck in the same place together can work to your advantage. Make an appointment to use the Couples Dialogue .

Use it to listen to your partner, and let them go deep into their feelings about whatever it is they want to talk about.

The Couples Dialogue will help you mirror (listen to every word), validate (affirm your partner’s perspective), and empathize (be fully present with your partner in their joy, sadness, anger, or fear).

What I like about using the Couples Dialogue is that it helps me to listen in a way I wouldn’t normally.

4. Talk about things you would not normally not talk about

Use the Couples Dialogue to share your feelings. This tool will help you become vulnerable and open up to your partner. It can help you share frustrations in a positive way.

Remember, if you don’t talk it out, you’ll act it out in some unhealthy way, eventually doing damage to your relationship.

Talk about things that you normally would not talk about. The Couples Dialogue will help you do this when you probably would not do it naturally.

5. Surprise each other

Find out what makes your partner feel loved and do it. Here’s a tool that will help you do that.

I know a wife who loves to play board games. Her husband does not.

If you’re this husband, it will be a major turn-on for your wife if you pull out her favorite game, set it up, and invite her to play! Why not, what else are you going to do as you self-quarantine?!

It will increase the pleasure chemicals not only in her, but also in you. So do it!

6. Laugh together

Laughter releases endorphins which helps relieve you of the pain you feel in your relationship.

I tell funny stories because laughter is good medicine. Here’s one I’ll give you as a bonus. It has nothing to do with what I’m saying but it may make you laugh.

A police officer called the station on his radio. “I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.” “Have you arrested the woman?” “Not yet, the floor’s still wet .”

So there you have it – six ways to strengthen our marriage during this pandemic.

Let’s let the coronavirus crisis draw us together as a couple rather than blow us apart.

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